Why A Famous Roman Writer Believes It’s Better To Have Fewer Friends
An ancient historian’s relevant advice on navigating our social network of “Facebook friends” today
Friendship is a strange feature of humanity. Where familial bonds generally attract animals, it’s unnecessary for us. We pick up friends across the span of our lives — for various reasons — and the relationships can become stronger than family.
Unfortunately, there’s no strict definition of “friend.” Its meaning can vary from person to person, and unfortunately, it causes confusion. I’m well familiar with this.
My brother was one of those super-connectors, with a wide network of people he met from all over. He also could chit-chat for hours. Add these two together; he had a Facebook-level social network without the computer attached.
He called them all friends, too. But the " friends " list could leave much to be desired, particularly when money was involved.
I remember more than a few borrowing cash and disappearing, offering their expertise, ripping us off, accepting help, and then not raising a finger when asked for a small favor in return. The experience made me wary of who I called a friend versus an acquaintance.
I’m sure you can relate. Not to mention social media complicates this even more because every connection is called a friend or follower.
But our experiences aren’t a feature of the modern world, they’re part of the human condition. A famous Roman writer and historian named Plutarch produced an interesting idea about the characteristics of friendship.
Namely, it’s better to have fewer friends. I’m sure you have some questions. Likely, they start with who Plutarch is and why is advice from this dusty old Roman relevant today.
We’ll start with the first question.
History Was Different For Early Historians
For writers in the times of Plutarch (about the first century AD), history was less science and more art. Instead of focusing on the accuracy of dates and numbers, telling a story or conveying moral lessons took precedence. History was more about personal growth than details.
Plutarch could be called history’s earliest pure biographer. His epic work Parallel Lives paired and compared many famous individuals from the Greek and Roman worlds, detailing their complex personal and professional behaviors with memorable anecdotes. But this wasn’t all.
As the Encyclopedia Britannica notes, Plutarch wrote over two hundred works, traveled widely, was honored by Emperor Trajan, and lectured in Rome. His works inspired the Roman historian Arrian, and later Emperor Marcus Aurelius carried a copy of his Parallel Lives on campaign.
In more modern times, his writings influenced the philosopher Michel de Montaigne and were a source for the works of William Shakespeare. Beethoven and Friedrich Nietzsche also read his work.
Classicist Judith Mossman at the University of Nottingham says Plutarch is so influential that his writing often colors our view of famous Greco-Roman characters, particularly Alexander the Great. For instance, the story of the future emperor taming the horse Bucephalus comes from this writer.
Plutarch combined biographical research on stellar figures with his own life as a well-connected aristocrat into psychological wisdom from the ancient world. He also applied this knowledge to daily social issues, creating a series of blog-like essays called the Moralia.
This is where we find Plutarch’s thoughts on the benefits of having less friends, in a piece appropriately called On Having Many Friends. He starts by defining friendship.
Friendships Aren’t Built Quickly
“True friendship seeks after three things above all else: virtue as a good thing, intimacy as a pleasant thing, and usefulness as a necessary thing…”
— Plutarch, On Having Many Friends
While Plutarch didn’t know our present social media networks, he understood networking, brown-nosing, and social climbers. His initial advice on friendship is that it’s not built quickly.
He says you don’t make a true friend “by drinking a single glass together” or picking them up like a shirt at the marketplace. Similarly, in our age, we don’t add a genuine friend by pushing a button on Facebook. Plutarch says it’s like creating a team or dance troop, which takes time, coordination, and familiarity.
He says that through effort and attention, true friends ultimately judge each other as worthy of trust and mutual affection. This creates a bond. Therein comes the intimacy and pleasantness of a regular companion.
But friendship isn’t only a union for emotional happiness. There’s a utility in it as well. Plutarch says the “coin of friendship” is “goodwill and graciousness,” because each friend can act as a shelter from the storms life dishes out. So, there’s a natural reciprocity and we repay each other.
While this description of friendship sounds terrific, it does lead to a problem. For instance, how do we cultivate this time-consuming, deep relationship requiring so much with scores of people?
According to Plutarch, the very nature of friendship says it can only be between a select few. While social media mavens and those hosting networking events may disagree, the old Roman warns us.
The Problem With Many Friends
People Magazine once published an article about celebrities and the trouble their fame can cause. Gigi Hadid, Idris Elba, and Jennifer Lawrence specifically talk about their issues making social connections due to their status and fast-paced lives.
But you don’t have to be famous or wealthy to experience this. Without time, you can’t analyze the virtue of another to see if they’re a good fit or build intimacy with them.
Plutarch says this can lead to becoming a cuttlefish (a squid-like creature that changes colors to match rocks behind it.) In other words, you, or another camouflage yourself to fit in, but there’s no substance behind it.
A quick analysis may also lead to absorbing a bad friend, which can be as painful to “eject” as undercooked food from your body. Not only this but when you adopt a friend, you also gain their enemies who become “interwoven” in your relationship. There is no telling who these are without some evaluation.
Finally, you dilute good existing friendships when you add more people. According to Plutarch:
“Just as rivers whose waters are divided among branches and channels flow weak and thin, so affection, naturally strong in a soul, if portioned out among many persons become utterly enfeebled.”
In the end, you water down the three basic tenants of a true friendship:
Many connections don’t allow enough time to establish if there is a shared virtue between the members of the partnership.
You’re invested between too many individuals to create the intimacy necessary to build a true friendship.
Multiple friends will call upon you, and you will have to choose who to support at the expense of another or vice versa.
Considering all this, it’s time to reevaluate some social relationships and ideas about friendships in the modern world.
Facebook Friends Versus True Friends
While social media has introduced us to the idea of Facebook friends, Plutarch was familiar with social networks and navigated them in the first century AD. Classicist Alex Petkas at the Cost of Glory podcast reminds us in the Roman world networking was a necessity.
But in Plutarch’s personal experience, he found these networks were like a web, which you can get stuck in if you are not careful.
While it’s good to meet many people, and networks can be helpful, true friendship should be a tighter circle with heftier barriers.
As in Plutarch’s day, we often consider those with vast circles of friends like a person who accumulates hordes of gold. But the biographer has a different view:
“In the houses of rich men and rulers, the people see a noisy throng of visitors offering their greetings and shaking hands…and they think that those who have so many friends must be happy. Yet they can see a far greater number of flies in those persons’ kitchens. But the flies do not stay on after the good food is gone…”
Also, choices have tradeoffs. Time or attention spent in one area means less focus on another, which can cause social bonds to weaken. Consequently, it would do us well to have a Plutarchian view of friendship.
Instead of straining to make contacts, expand our networks, and add swarms of “Facebook friends,” we should focus on reinforcing the bonds between our virtuous, intimate, and useful “true” friends. This is why a famous Roman writer believes having fewer of them is better. It has also made me reach out to a few of these connections where I’ve let the bond weaken.
Perhaps you should as well.
-Originally posted on Medium 1/20/24